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Graduation Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Analysis

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LOS ANGELES—Complaining that he droned on about “futures” and “potentials” throughout his deal with at their school commencement Friday, college students on the College of Southern California reported that their graduation speaker was some rando who had pioneered lifesaving medical analysis. “I assumed they’d have somebody like Ben Affleck or Oprah, however I’ve by no means even heard of this man,” stated graduate Alyssa Lopez, who expressed boredom with the speech given by a totally forgettable Nobel Prize–profitable most cancers researcher whose groundbreaking work on T cells had led to the event of highly effective immunotherapies and saved numerous lives. “I already sat via 4 years of lessons, and now I’ve to take a seat right here listening to some no-name earlier than I can get my diploma? USC had Will Ferrell just a few years in the past. Why couldn’t they simply get him once more? ’Trigger this fucking sucks.” At press time, the graduating class had reportedly erupted into applause following the speech given by an area mattress retailer proprietor recognized to college students from billboard and TV advertisements.

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